Dreams of Sugar Eating
Dreams are something. They provide a stream of non-challenged thoughts. That’s my take on dreams (especially the “dreams are something” parts, that’s the sort of analysis I’m shocked I don’t get paid for). Last night I dreamed the classic “a part of my tooth broke of” thing and the slightly less classic “a fat girl eats a bowl of sugar at a party” bit. The latter thing was extremely odd, even during the dream. Especially since she placed the bowl of sugar on a radiator ledge (there was a piece of wood on top of a radiator making a makeshift shelf). Why would anybody do that? Why would I think of this at any point? Has anybody had a similar dream? I don’t know, I don’t know and probably would be my hypothetical answers to those rhetorical questions.
There is a connection between these two dreams (they were separate but I had them the same night). Sugar makes your teeth rot.
There are those who believe that dreams are some sort of mirror of the soul. However impossible it is to a) define dreams and b) define “soul.” Unless they mean that dreams are a mirror of soul music for some reason, that might make more sense than the literal translation of the cliched phrase – mirror of the soul. Curtis Mayfield might agree. If dreams are said mirror then my soul is apparently very concerned with my dental hygiene and wishes more fat chicks would eat bowls of sugar on radiator shelves. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t?
An intervention for Shaquille O’neal.
The Cleveland Cavaliers, under the tutelage of Mike Brown, staged an intervention for their starting center Shaquille O’Neal. These past few weeks O’neal looks to have gained several (hundred) pounds. Apparently a line was crossed when he hid a tuna sub in his underwear and took a bite when guarding Zydrunas Ilgauskas in a pick and roll situation with Boobie Gibson. During the intervention Shaq confessed that the main reason he joined the Cavs was that the fat on the back of Coach Brown’s neck looked mighty delicious. This caused Delonte West to buy another shotgun in a guitar case. “It worked for Antonio Banderas in Desperado,” West commented.
If Shaq can’t lose some weight he’ll probably have to wear a Caveliers overalls instead of the regular uniform. This would surely be the biggest insult Shaq has endured in his esteemed career since Lawrence Funderburke guarded him in the 2003 playoffs. In an unrelated story Funderburke has been voted the “2nd most awesome last name in the World.” It finished slightly behind Thunderfuck.
Bobcats – Nets, match-up for the ages.
Two of the NBA’s most exciting teams met in a barnburner last night. The Charlotte Bobcats beat the New Jersey Nets and the score at halftime was 79-68. No, wait, that’s how the game ended, my bad. These our two of the NBA’s most prestigious franchises. In fact, the Bobcats are the only team the Nets have a winning record against.
Such players as Jason Kidd and Zombie Vince Carter have played for the Nets. The Bobcats roster has contained well known names like Stephen and Raymond. I thought for a minute while watching the game that the Bobcats had put a shirt on one of the commercial blimps often found in the rafters of arenas, but that turned out to be Boris Diaw. It should also be noted that Chris Douglas-Roberts plays for the Nets but he’s the illegitimate love child of actors Micheal Douglas and Eric Roberts.
Chris Douglas-Roberts. Not pictured: fathers Micheal and Eric.
As the teams staged a furious shootout with percentages unheard of in the NBA -the Nets shot a blistering 37% from the field and 3-10 from deep while the Bobcats kept pace with 32% from the field and an amazing 3 point percentage of 7- team coaches Lawrence Frank and Larry Brown respectively hung themselves.
Fans are sure to hope that these sort of games will continue to be scheduled and the host of empty seats in the Bobcats arena are sure to fill up once news of this classic matchup gets around.
Single Verbs and Names.
You know what’s awesome? Exclaiming the things you do with single verbs. For example, if I were to do that right now I’d be yelling: “WRITE!” and if I were to sit down I’d go: “SIT!” “STAND!” It’s awesome, I love it, it’s awesome.
Names give people meaning. It’s obviously because your parents are a certain way and they name you. So what’s gonna happen is you get their characteristics and therefore you become a certain person with a certain name.
For example, Chad is a very certain type of guy. Chad’s the kind of guy that just speaks in 1/5 of stories. He always just tells you 1/5 of a story. “Hey, guys I just had a burrito…” “Yes, Chad and then what?”
“Nothing. Hey, I went mountain biking…” And then what happened? “Actually I didn’t, I think I was tripping on some mescaline.” Sweet Chad catch you later.
You’re never gonna see a congressman Chad. “Hey guys, uh so we should, like, totally pass this bill….” “alright congressman, let’s just look at that and TOSS!”
If your name is Chad I think you have to have a van. ICBC, or wherever the fuck you get your driver’s licenses, should hand out cars based on your name. “Alright Chad, here are the keys to your van, it’s the black one with the snake on the side. License plate “sweet-exclamation mark.” “-Sweet dude, catch you on the flip.”
If your name is Trevellyan you get a Mercedez and a launch pad for a nuclear weapon.
Thoughts on NBA contenders
The Lakers:
Their point guards are these guys: Derek Fisher, Jordan Farmar and Shannon Brown. Derek Fisher is 48 years old at this point and though he did hit two clutch shots to drown the Magic in the Finals I think he missed a 108 shots in a row up to that point. He’s kind of like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 4, he’s been too old for this for too fucking long.
Jordan Farmar has a lot of talent, he can shoot it, he’s quick and he’s got hops but he hasn’t shown anything in the playoffs so far in his career. He has the potential to be a legit threat in this league but it’s not going to happen this season.
Then we’re on to Shannon Brown, a guy who earned his stripes in last season’s playoffs. He’s got a lot going for him, athleticism, decent shooting and nice handles but he’s not a guy you’re afraid of. I like him. I like his game as long as he plays within himself. I saw a couple pre-season games and he was shooting an awful lot. I don’t think the Lakers are winning a lot of games when Shannon Brown takes more than 10 shots.
Another note I’d like to make. The Lakers didn’t really beat anybody when they won the title last year. They just made sure they didn’t beat themselves. Now that Ron Artest is in town that might not be the case this year. Seriously, he’s at a level of crazy I haven’t seen in a while. I have no clue what he might do this year. Kill a guy. Win a championship. Buy a motor home. Adopt a kid, seriously, everything’s in play.
The Spurs:
Like the Poltergeist 2 ad campaign said: “they’re back!” The Richard Jefferson trade was so good it makes me want to shave my beard because it makes me look like a young Gregg Popovich. I hate this team. I hate them so much because they don’t make mistakes, ever. They only make good decisions on and off the field. The only good thing about them is that they’re old and they get hurt easily. I think Manu Ginobili last played a painless game when he was 15 and Tim Duncan’s knees might need an engine change after the season, they’ve got a lot of mileage on them. If they stay healthy, they win the league. If Manu, Jefferson, Parker or Duncan get injured they’ll lose to the Lakers.
The little girl is afraid of Gregg Popovich's face.
The Cavaliers:
The Shaq signing doesn’t really make them better, the Anthony Parker and Jamario Moon acquisitions, on the other hand, do. I have a bad feeling about this season for the Cavs. They’ve shoved all of their money to the center of the table and they don’t really have the hand to back it up, or a steady stream of cash to fall back on if they lose. It’s do or die for them this year and the Shaq thing smells of desperation. It was the sort of, “we need to do something right now” trade that never works. Ask Isiah Thomas.
Lebron will have to carry the team again and he just might be able to do it. You see, it’s not just a make or break season for the Cavs, in a sense, it’s also a make or break season for Lebron’s career. If he doesn’t get a championship now and goes to New York or L.A or wherever he goes, it changes the complexion of his career. He won’t be the guy who stuck with his state to the very end. He won’t be the guy who finally brought a championship to Cleveland. He’ll be a great player who might or might not get a couple rings and breaks some more statistical records. It’s a desperation season and I have a bad feeling about it.
The Magic:
Turkoglu wasn’t THAT good. Vince Carter is a better player. Bill Simmons also makes a very good point in his recent NBA preview that this is the first legit contender that Vince has played on. Maybe he steps up.
I’m worried that they’ve turned themselves into a conventional team. Not with the acquisition of Vince Carter but rather with the acquisition of Brandon Bass. He’s too short to be a backup center, he’s too slow and lumbering to be a backup small forward. In short: he’s a conventional power forward. Even though the Magic did, at times, play Gortat and Howard together last season they always had the 6-10 Turkoglu out there creating match-up problems. Brandon Bass does not create match-up problems and neither does Air Canada (or is it Southwest Airlines at this point?) Talent wise they are better though.
The Celtics:
Ahh the Celtics, you bunch of unlikable douche bags. Okay, Ray Allen is likable but that’s about it. They, much like the Spurs, rely on their aging stars’ health. Kevin Garnett’s knee looks fine for now. I’ve seen him in pre-season action and he seems to be moving around pretty well. Ray Allen is always in perfect shape and hasn’t had a serious injury since that ankle thing a couple years ago. Paul Pierce hasn’t missed action for a while now and Brian Scalabrine is still the whitest guy in the league. Okay that last bit had nothing to do with anything. All of the guys I just mentioned are past their prime and they have a lot of mileage on. Since they also have Rasheed Wallace who has similar issues, they’re like a used car dealership-except they’re all quality cars… I think I’ve taken the analogy too far.
I’m just putting this out there but I wouldn’t put money on Kevin Garnett’s knee. I just wouldn’t. I have no reason to believe that it’s not fine. But I have no reason to believe that it’s going to be okay for another 100 game season either. No Garnett, no title and that’s that. Rasheed Wallace is a good guy coming of the bench, he still has something left in the tank and he has some valuable experience but he doesn’t put them over the top. The only thing standing between the Celtics and another title is a slight slip or a misjudged landing from Mr. Garnett and they won’t win another title for a long time.
-Magnus.
Kobe: Team Killer
For anybody that saw the last game between the Lakers and the Nuggets one thing stood above anything else (besides the Lakers giving up home court), Kobe throwing his arms up in the air and frowning at his teammates at any given chance. If anything went wrong, it looked like it wasn’t his fault but somebody else’s. When you’re the best player on your team it’s all about you and how you react to situations. Your teammates rely on you for that.
Kobe is a bad teammate. When Sasha Vujajic blows a defensive assignment in the conference finals he scowls and acts like a child who’s been denied candy. If it happens in a regular season game against Memphis he’s like the big brother Vujajic never had. That’s not how a superstar player is supposed to act. It’s okay to yell at guys and it’s okay to try and light a fire under their butts but it doesn’t happen when you essentially quit on your team. Nobody wins a championship like that and it’s why Kobe will never win a championship as the best player on any team.
For comparison let’s look at a guy like Kevin Garnett. He made Glen “Big Baby” Davis cry in a regular season game against the Portland Trailblazers because the second unit screwed up and let the Blazers back in the game. Garnett yelled at him until Big Baby started to cry. That’s a bit strong but it was resolved after the game and Big Baby came up huge for the Celtics, does anybody know why? Because he felt like he was part of the team even when they were blowing the Trailblazersout in game number 52 on the season. That’s what leaders do, they make guys feel like they’re involved. They believe in their teammates even if they have no reason to and they let their teammates know (not just in TV interviews) that they believe in them. It matters.
Just for the record I’d like to say that I’m actually a Lakers fan. I’m just sick and tired of seeing everybody praise Kobe for stuff he doesn’t do and not criticize him when he kills his team. He did it in game 7 against the Suns a couple years back, he did in the blowout against the Celtics in game 6 last year and he’s doing it right now.
Lebron James would never do this to his teammates, because he loves those guys. If Kobe is Black Mamba then Lebron is King Cobra. Lets look at the reproductive habits of these two animals.
The black mamba leaves its eggs in decaying vegetation that gives them heat. The king cobra is a very dedicated parent. Before she is ready to lay her eggs, she uses the coils of her long body to gather a big mound of leaf litter. The King Cobra stays with its eggs and guards the mound tenaciously, rearing up into a threat display if any large animal gets too close.
It works like a charm.
Accents, Writing and the NBA.
A lot of criticism was leveled at Tom Cruise for his performance in Valkyrie. He plays a German soldier who decides he should kill Hitler. The critics found cause for criticism because he doesn’t speak with a German accent. My problem with that criticism is that no one speaks with a German accent in the movie. Most of them speak with British accents because, wait for it, they’re British actors. I always find it weird anyway when actors put accents on their English when they’re supposed to be speaking in their native language. It isn’t needed. If a Russian, for example, is supposed to be speaking in English to an American he should probably have a Russian accent but why should he have a Russian accent if he’s supposed to be speaking in Russian anyway? If the filmmakers decide to do that then it just sounds like two Russians speaking to each other in English. Why would they do that?
On to a completely different topic, writing. I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a writer. It’s weird because I don’t think of myself as a writer but still I’m writing this aren’t I? For me writing isn’t about the status of being a writer. It’s that once you become a writer you can get to a lot of people. It’s tough to call yourself a writer if you’re only writing for 14 of your friends. With such a fickle thing as writing, I think it doesn’t matter if you have written something, how much you get paid or how good it is. I think it matters who sees it and who reads it.
I’m going to comment on the NBA playoffs a little bit. First off, the Nuggets are way better than I though. I still have an issue with how crazy they are and I don’t know how they’ll react once they lose their footing a little bit. They’ve never been down in a series and come back; they haven’t proven themselves as a team that can deal with adversity. I’ll be curious to see what happens if they go down 2-0 in these first games and if Chauncey Billups can get them together.
I predicted that the Hornets would go all the way to the conference finals and instead they decided to suck. All I can say in my defense is that I didn’t realize how badly injured they were. But it wasn’t just they were injured, they don’t seem to like each other or trust their coach.
Some of my picks were made simply to try and jinx teams, I hate San Antonio so I picked them to beat Dallas, I hate the Celtics so I picked them to go to beat Orlando. My Finals pick still stands and I still think Cleveland will win it all. Lebron is simply too good.
The craziest players in the NBA Playoffs:
I tried to get this on cracked.com but it didn’t happen for me so I’m putting it up here. It’s about 3 pages so…
The NBA playoffs have started and fans are going crazy. But the fans aren’t the only ones that are crazy. Some of the players in the league are actually a hazard for society and if they weren’t really good at sports they would probably be detained somewhere safe. Where they wouldn’t cause harm to themselves or others.
Kenyon Martin was drafted by the New Jersey Nets and helped get them to consecutive Finals where they got the shit kicked out of them twice. Now he plays for the Denver Nuggets and has been pretty good for them so far this year. He’s always been known for his defense and intensity on the court. He’s also batshit nuts.
How is he crazy?
When Alonzo Mourning returned to the NBA after his run-of-the-mill kidney transplant. He made the huge mistake of being on Kenyon Martin’s then team, the New Jersey Nets. The two players almost got into a fight after Martin mocked Mourning’s kidney decease… what the fuck? The dude just got himself in shape to play in the NBA after a kidney failure and a subsequent transplant and instead of, say; congratulating him on this amazing accomplishment like a sane person would do Mr. Martin made fun of Mourning’s illness. That’s what I’d do too. I wonder how Kenyon would have reacted if somebody mocked him for his broken foot that kept him out of the game for almost a full season.
Another fun fact: He went to Bryan Adams High School and I think we should all pretend that it is indeed that Bryan Adams.
Andrei Kirilenko looks a lot like Ivan Drago. He also wears the number 47 and his nickname is AK 47, which is possibly the best nickname in the entire NBA. When Andrei has his shit together he’s one of the best defenders in the NBA. Too bad for his team, the Utah Jazz, he rarely has his shit together anymore.
How is he crazy?
Well, first of all his wife is nuts and his choice in a life partner is an indication of his immense craziness.
Apparently she lets him sleep with other women. He has a woman allowance. How does that work? Does he get slips that these women have to sign and when he’s out of slips for the month he’s officially cheating? I know many of you are thinking: “How does that make this guy crazy? He gets to have a wife and he sleep with other women that’s fantastic.” It does sound fantastic doesn’t it but I say to you: “He’s married to an insane woman!” No sane wife lets her husband sleep around, that’s crazy. She must be completely devoid of feelings. And this is how she makes it okay: “It’s the same way raising children – If I tell my child, ‘No pizza, no pizza, no pizza,’ what does he want more than anything? Pizza.” Yeah, your kid having fast food for dinner is just the same as your husband sticking his penis in another vagina. “No more random vaginas for you Andrei. You’ve had enough this month.”
I’d also like to point out the fact that one of the best coaches in the NBA, Jerry Sloan, who’s coached Kirilenko for his entire career had this to say about him: “Andrei will be Andrei.” Ooooh… the double usage of the first name that means this guy’s a fucking handful. Whenever somebody says that it’s simply because they don’t want to say: “Holy shit this guy is a nut job and if he weren’t so talented I’d have told him to fuck off about a 190 times already.”
Tim Thomas was a future NBA star when he played with the Milwaukee Bucks in the 2000-2001 season. He set a record for most three pointers in a half at 8 and he still shares that record with Micheal Redd. Ray Allen, also known as Jesus Shuttlesworth, said about Thomas that, “if he would try he could be the best player in the league.” Seeing as Thomas’ best career average was 15.8 points per game for the Knicks in 2003 (he only playes 23 games) we can all safely assume that he’s simply been showing up for his entire basketball career.
How is he crazy?
Now it’s one thing to be lazy but it’s another thing to be lazy when you have an abundance of talent. Tim Thomas could have been a bona fide NBA star but he didn’t, and doesn’t have the right attitude for it. Now it’s obviously too late as he’s 32 years old. Thomas’ problem is that he just doesn’t give a shit. All he wants to do is collect his money and go home. Which is fine, a lot of people do it. People that have office jobs or work at Starbucks usually don’t really care about their job. The difference is that Tim Thomas has fans. Or his team has fans, people come to his games and pay a shit load of money to see him and other guys play. Nobody goes to Starbucks to see somebody make coffee, they just want the coffee so Tim Thomas’ blatant disregard for fans and people that love basketball make him a borderline sociopath.
Crazy knows crazy best as they say and when Thomas was with the Knicks he got into a verbal altercation with Kenyon Martin. He made fun of Martin’s speech impediment and called him “fugazy.” Yeah, that happened… in an NBA game. What does fugazy even mean? Fake I presume but it still doesn’t make any sense. How does having a speech impediment make you fake? These are the inner workings of Tim Thomas’ mind ladies and gentlemen.
If you’re ever unsure of an NBA player’s craziness you can always use a simple test. Has this player ever been paid to stay away from a team? In other words the player is so fucking out of his mind that the team officials are afraid to have him around the other players on the team. This happened to Thomas when he was traded to the Bulls. The Bulls had a young team and didn’t care to have Thomas come in and influence them to, say, drive drunk, have sex with hookers (who go on to have their babies), do drugs and other things NBA players frequently do.
Ron Artest, everyone knew this was coming. Artest is actually a really good player, he can guard every position on the court except centers and he can carry a team offensively on any given night. Too bad he’s also a raving lunatic.
How is he crazy:
Everybody knows about the brawl in Detroit. Ron Artest took to the stands and beat up some fans. You know what? Fair enough, the dude threw a beer at a 300 pound lunatic, what did he think was gonna happen? What’s worse is that Artest punched the wrong dude and then he punched another dude who was “taunting (Artest) verbally.” That’s pretty crazy. He has done some other things.
When Artest was playing for the Chicago Bulls he applied for a job at circuit city to get the employee discount. Yeah, he did that. There are so many questions related to that one. Like: how was he going to work there? He already has a job and one that pays him extremely well. He doesn’t need an employee discount. At one point when he was with the Pacers he showed up to practice in a bathrobe. As you do, I show up to my work in a bathrobe all the time. Oh, wait no I don’t because I’m not insane. In 2004-2005 Artest asked for time off from the team because he was tired from promoting an R&B album he was putting out with his production company. He was suspended for 2 games for that. Once he destroyed a TV camera and yelled at Pat Riley but most NBA players have yelled at Pat Riley so that’s not really important. He’s also been on the cover of Penthouse. If you visit his website you’re greeted by a quote that seems to be by Artest himself, “have the balls to spay or neuter your dog.”
Stephon Marbury plays of the Celtics now, for those of you that didn’t know. It seems as if he’s finally getting it. It being the importance of team and being a good teammate in a team sport, with that being said some might think that this means that Stephon Marbury is 6 years old and still learning the concept of sharing but he’s 32. He’s also called Starbury, which is not a good nickname in my book. The best thing he’s done with his basketball career is making a basketball shoe that’s only $20. It’s good I have a pair.
How is he crazy?
In the 2004-2005 season, probably Marbury’s best statistically, he stated that he was the best point guard in the league. That’s right and good except for the fact that he wasn’t. He clearly wasn’t. Steve Nash was also in the process of having his best season ever and notching up the highest assist average in recent memory. I’m guessing good old Starbury missed all of that as he was busy dribbling the air out of a basketball. I say that this means he was completely delusional.
Let me submit more evidence: that same year before a game with the New Jersey Nets (Jason Kidd’s team at the time) he was asked about his comments about being the best point guard in the NBA. Starbury told the media this: “how am I comparing myself to him (Kidd) when I think I’m the best point guard to play basketball? That doesn’t make any sense. I mean, how can I sit here and compare myself to somebody if I already think I’m the best?” I really only have one thing to say to that: wait, what? If you say you’re the best aren’t you already comparing yourself to other people and saying you’re better than them? For example if I say I’m the best columnist that’s ever written for Cracked am I not comparing myself to Micheal Swaim? Actually I’m confused now.
Marbury also falls into Tim Thomas’ category of players who have been paid to stay away from their teams. I can’t stress how ridiculous this is. How rotten of a person do you have to be for somebody to pay you to stay away from your job?
Why did Boston lose to Chicago?
Last year’s Celtics were a really tough team. They tried harder than everybody else. If a team outworked the Celtics that team would usually beat the Celtics and that didn’t happen often last year. Now the Celts have that elusive championship and it’s changed them. They think of themselves as champions and demand the respect a champion deserves. They think they’re the best team in the league and they’re sort of pissed off that the media and the fans and the league don’t think the same. The problem is they seem to pissed of in a bratty kind of way instead of an eff you kind of way.
This has happened before. Just as recently as with the Detroit Pistons who, when they beat the Lakers in 04’, started to buy into their won hype and never won another championship. They always believed they were the best team though. That’s usually not a bad thing unless the team appears to be arrogant about it. I’m not saying the Celitcs are an arrogant bunch, they’re not, they have a really good bunch of players. But I think they’re being perceived as arrogant by other teams and fans of other teams. I think it’s because of the demand of respect they put forth.
Coming back to my point then, the Bulls beat the Celtics because the Bulls wanted it so much more. The Celtics got outworked and out hustled and because of the nature of their team they’ll lose if that happens in the playoffs. This will just be a warning though, they won’t lose four games to these Bulls now. The Celts know that they have to go back to being hungry, go back to being that which they used to be. If they don’t, they’ll end up like Detroit, perennial Eastern Conference Finalist who never quite make it back to the biggest stage.
PLAYOFF Preview (semi)
The NBA playoffs, unless you’re a dedicated fan of one team that’s all the basketball you should care about. This is when a lot of players really start playing, this is when the games actually matter. These playoffs don’t seem to be as exciting as, for example, last year’s playoffs. There are a couple reasons: 1) everybody except the Lakers sucks in the west. 2) Kevin Garnett is injured so everybody except the Cavs sucks in the east.
All of the teams have inescapable flaws. If you’ve been watching the NBA you know that all of the teams that are in the playoffs are dealing with something.
The Jazz are unhealthy, Carlos Boozer has looked like he died and the Jazz covered it up by putting his brother, Gnarlos Boozer, on the team instead. Luckily for the Jazz Gnarlos is a serviceable NBA player.
The Pistons decided to trade for 48-year old guard called Allen Iverson and were extremely surprised to see it backfire on them.
Dallas’ best player this season has been Jason Terry and even though I like Jason Terry that has be considered a flaw when you have Dirk Nowitzki on your team. (I know Nowitzki’s numbers are still good this year but he just doesn’t seem to have that spark from 2005 anymore.)
The Bulls are young. They also have a coach who seems to be standing on the sideline thinking, “milk, eggs, bread… do I need anything else for French toast? Some vanilla extract might be good. Oh, better put Ben Gordon in.”
The Hornets are quietly an extremely dangerous team. Their flaw seems to their chemistry with their coach. Byron Scott is a guy who keeps his players on a short leash and NBA players like their leashes to be long. Another thing I don’t like about the Hornets is the fact that they only have one guy initiating their offense. Chris Paul does it every single time for about 42 minutes a game. If he’s on the floor he’s going to dribble around for about 17 seconds until he finds an open guy. He’s also by far the best point guard in the NBA so I guess that’s all right.
I think the Sixers are a really entertaining team but teams that play their brand of up-tempo basketball aren’t usually successful in the playoffs. They don’t have that set-up offense they can go to down the stretch to finish a team off. They’ll give the Magic a torrid time though.
The Trailblazers are young but they’re dangerous. Brandon Roy is a top 3 shooting guard in the NBA. My list goes Dwayne Wade, Kobe and Roy. He’s also a beast in the clutch. Their problem is the point guard spot, Steve Blake is all right but he’s not good enough. They also have a lot of pressure from their fans who seem to think they can win it all right now.
The Heat have one good player but he’s also the second best player in the league. They have a rookie point guard who’s sometimes amazing and sometimes he’s not present. They have a washed up center in Jermaine O’neal and Jamario Moon whose special ability is that he can jump high. Wade will carry them though.
The Rockets lost Tracy McGrady to an injury but that’s not their flaw. I think Ron Artest is their flaw. I’ve seen him several times this season and he’s one of those guys who genuinely thinks he’s the best player in the NBA. So instead of giving the ball to Yao (who’s the Rockets’ best player) in the clutch he shoots off balance threes. Rick Adelman might call a timeout at some point during the Blazers series and pull a pistol on him. Watch out for that, I called it.
The Hawks don’t have a bench. Their whole bench is Ronald Murray and he shoots about 83 times per 48 minutes, which is an NBA record.
Let’s call a spade a spade here. The Spurs are old. Ginobili is probably never going to be the same player again and Duncan is done. I actually feel comfortable saying this. I don’t think I’m jinxing anything. (Flash Forward to May 24th: The Boxscore from The Spurs-Lakers game reads: Duncan, 56 points and 22 rebounds. Ginobili, 37 points, 7 assists and 5 rebounds.)
The Magic’s best player is Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard is a horrible offensive player. How are the Magic going to get their points in the clutch?… Hedo Turkoglu to the rescue. Oh, wait Hedo will be limping on one leg during the playoffs because he’s injured. I also wonder about Dwight Howard’s mentality. He seems to be too much of a nice guy.
The Nuggets are crazy. Everybody on that team except Chauncey Billups is a nutcase. Chancey has done wonders for them but they’re just too unstable. The whole roster is like an insane asylum: Kenyon Martin (certifiably crazy), Carmelo Anthony (don’t snitch videos and he hasn’t really taken his game to the next level like Wade and Lebron have), Chris Andersen (was probably suspended for his crack cocaine addiction… okay I don’t have any proof of that). Then you have somebody like J.R Smith whose really good but also seems to be a crackpot and extremely selfish. Or maybe I’m just projecting.
As I said before the Celtics are missing Kevin Garnett and he might not return for the playoffs. And even if he will he’ll probably be on one leg. I don’t think they can beat Cleveland like that.
The Lakers have several issues. One is that Andrew Bynum is back but he’s only been back for three games so he’s still acclimatizing. Lamar Odom doesn’t like coming of the bench and he needs to have at least 6 great games for L.A in the playoffs if they’re going to win it. Derek Fisher and Jordan Farmar have sucked donkey dong for the last three months or something and I don’t see either of them getting it together for the playoffs. But L.A will still, barring a spectacular upset, get to the Finals because, as most statisticians have pointed out, the West gargles balls.
The Cavs don’t have any flaws they’re perfect. Let’s move on.
I was going to put a playoff bracket on here but it was difficult to make it look right. Basically I had no upsets except for New Orleans beating Denver and getting to the conference finals and Miami beating Atlanta. I think Boston will struggle with Chicago, Orlando will struggle with Philly and the Dallas – San Antonio series will be great but San Antonio will pull it out (that’s what she said!… no?… okay). L.A and Cleveland will meet in the Finals and The King will get his crown. Let’s all get ready for a lot of puns related to Lebron’s nickname in the coming months.
Bye!
