Dreams of Sugar Eating

An artists interpretation of blogger dreaming (fat chick eating sugar not included)Dreams are something. They provide a stream of non-challenged thoughts. That’s my take on dreams (especially the “dreams are something” parts, that’s the sort of analysis I’m shocked I don’t get paid for). Last night I dreamed the classic “a part of my tooth broke of” thing and the slightly less classic “a fat girl eats a bowl of sugar at a party” bit. The latter thing was extremely odd, even during the dream. Especially since she placed the bowl of sugar on a radiator ledge (there was a piece of wood on top of a radiator making a makeshift shelf). Why would anybody do that? Why would I think of this at any point? Has anybody had a similar dream? I don’t know, I don’t know and probably would be my hypothetical answers to those rhetorical questions.

There is a connection between these two dreams (they were separate but I had them the same night). Sugar makes your teeth rot.

There are those who believe that dreams are some sort of mirror of the soul. However impossible it is to a) define dreams and b) define “soul.” Unless they mean that dreams are a mirror of soul music for some reason, that might make more sense than the literal translation of the cliched phrase – mirror of the soul. Curtis Mayfield might agree. If dreams are said mirror then my soul is apparently very concerned with my dental hygiene and wishes more fat chicks would eat bowls of sugar on radiator shelves. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t?

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An intervention for Shaquille O’neal.

The Cleveland Cavaliers, under the tutelage of Mike Brown, staged an intervention for their starting center Shaquille O’Neal. These past few weeks O’neal looks to have gained several (hundred) pounds. Apparently a line was crossed when he hid a tuna sub in his underwear and took a bite when guarding Zydrunas Ilgauskas in a pick and roll situation with Boobie Gibson. During the intervention Shaq confessed that the main reason he joined the Cavs was that the fat on the back of Coach Brown’s neck looked mighty delicious. This caused Delonte West to buy another shotgun in a guitar case. “It worked for Antonio Banderas in Desperado,” West commented.

If Shaq can’t lose some weight he’ll probably have to wear a Caveliers overalls instead of the regular uniform. This would surely be the biggest insult Shaq has endured in his esteemed career since Lawrence Funderburke guarded him in the 2003 playoffs. In an unrelated story Funderburke has been voted the “2nd most awesome last name in the World.” It finished slightly behind Thunderfuck.

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Bobcats – Nets, match-up for the ages.

Two of the NBA’s most exciting teams met in a barnburner last night. The Charlotte Bobcats beat the New Jersey Nets and the score at halftime was 79-68. No, wait, that’s how the game ended, my bad. These our two of the NBA’s most prestigious franchises. In fact, the Bobcats are the only team the Nets have a winning record against.

Such players as Jason Kidd and Zombie Vince Carter have played for the Nets. The Bobcats roster has contained well known names like Stephen and Raymond. I thought for a minute while watching the game that the Bobcats had put a shirt on one of the commercial blimps often found in the rafters of arenas, but that turned out to be Boris Diaw. It should also be noted that Chris Douglas-Roberts plays for the Nets but he’s the illegitimate love child of actors Micheal Douglas and Eric Roberts.

Chris Douglas-Roberts. Not pictured: fathers Micheal and Eric.

As the teams staged a furious shootout with percentages unheard of in the NBA -the Nets shot a blistering 37% from the field and 3-10 from deep while the Bobcats kept pace with 32% from the field and an amazing 3 point percentage of 7- team coaches Lawrence Frank and Larry Brown respectively hung themselves.
Fans are sure to hope that these sort of games will continue to be scheduled and the host of empty seats in the Bobcats arena are sure to fill up once news of this classic matchup gets around.

Single Verbs and Names.

You know what’s awesome? Exclaiming the things you do with single verbs. For example, if I were to do that right now I’d be yelling: “WRITE!” and if I were to sit down I’d go: “SIT!” “STAND!” It’s awesome, I love it, it’s awesome.

Names give people meaning. It’s obviously because your parents are a certain way and they name you. So what’s gonna happen is you get their characteristics and therefore you become a certain person with a certain name.

For example, Chad is a very certain type of guy. Chad’s the kind of guy that just speaks in 1/5 of stories. He always just tells you 1/5 of a story. “Hey, guys I just had a burrito…” “Yes, Chad and then what?”
“Nothing. Hey, I went mountain biking…” And then what happened? “Actually I didn’t, I think I was tripping on some mescaline.” Sweet Chad catch you later.
You’re never gonna see a congressman Chad. “Hey guys, uh so we should, like, totally pass this bill….” “alright congressman, let’s just look at that and TOSS!”
If your name is Chad I think you have to have a van. ICBC, or wherever the fuck you get your driver’s licenses, should hand out cars based on your name. “Alright Chad, here are the keys to your van, it’s the black one with the snake on the side. License plate “sweet-exclamation mark.” “-Sweet dude, catch you on the flip.”
If your name is Trevellyan you get a Mercedez and a launch pad for a nuclear weapon.

Thoughts on NBA contenders

The Lakers:

Their point guards are these guys: Derek Fisher, Jordan Farmar and Shannon Brown. Derek Fisher is 48 years old at this point and though he did hit two clutch shots to drown the Magic in the Finals I think he missed a 108 shots in a row up to that point. He’s kind of like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 4, he’s been too old for this for too fucking long.

Jordan Farmar has a lot of talent, he can shoot it, he’s quick and he’s got hops but he hasn’t shown anything in the playoffs so far in his career. He has the potential to be a legit threat in this league but it’s not going to happen this season.

Then we’re on to Shannon Brown, a guy who earned his stripes in last season’s playoffs. He’s got a lot going for him, athleticism, decent shooting and nice handles but he’s not a guy you’re afraid of. I like him. I like his game as long as he plays within himself. I saw a couple pre-season games and he was shooting an awful lot. I don’t think the Lakers are winning a lot of games when Shannon Brown takes more than 10 shots.

Another note I’d like to make. The Lakers didn’t really beat anybody when they won the title last year. They just made sure they didn’t beat themselves. Now that Ron Artest is in town that might not be the case this year. Seriously, he’s at a level of crazy I haven’t seen in a while. I have no clue what he might do this year. Kill a guy. Win a championship. Buy a motor home. Adopt a kid, seriously, everything’s in play.

The Spurs:

Like the Poltergeist 2 ad campaign said: “they’re back!” The Richard Jefferson trade was so good it makes me want to shave my beard because it makes me look like a young Gregg Popovich. I hate this team. I hate them so much because they don’t make mistakes, ever. They only make good decisions on and off the field. The only good thing about them is that they’re old and they get hurt easily. I think Manu Ginobili last played a painless game when he was 15 and Tim Duncan’s knees might need an engine change after the season, they’ve got a lot of mileage on them. If they stay healthy, they win the league. If Manu, Jefferson, Parker or Duncan get injured they’ll lose to the Lakers.

The little girl is afraid of Gregg Popovich's face.

The Cavaliers:

The Shaq signing doesn’t really make them better, the Anthony Parker and Jamario Moon acquisitions, on the other hand, do. I have a bad feeling about this season for the Cavs. They’ve shoved all of their money to the center of the table and they don’t really have the hand to back it up, or a steady stream of cash to fall back on if they lose. It’s do or die for them this year and the Shaq thing smells of desperation. It was the sort of, “we need to do something right now” trade that never works. Ask Isiah Thomas.

Lebron will have to carry the team again and he just might be able to do it. You see, it’s not just a make or break season for the Cavs, in a sense, it’s also a make or break season for Lebron’s career. If he doesn’t get a championship now and goes to New York or L.A or wherever he goes, it changes the complexion of his career. He won’t be the guy who stuck with his state to the very end. He won’t be the guy who finally brought a championship to Cleveland. He’ll be a great player who might or might not get a couple rings and breaks some more statistical records. It’s a desperation season and I have a bad feeling about it.

The Magic:

Turkoglu wasn’t THAT good. Vince Carter is a better player. Bill Simmons also makes a very good point in his recent NBA preview that this is the first legit contender that Vince has played on. Maybe he steps up.

I’m worried that they’ve turned themselves into a conventional team. Not with the acquisition of Vince Carter but rather with the acquisition of Brandon Bass. He’s too short to be a backup center, he’s too slow and lumbering to be a backup small forward. In short: he’s a conventional power forward. Even though the Magic did, at times, play Gortat and Howard together last season they always had the 6-10 Turkoglu out there creating match-up problems. Brandon Bass does not create match-up problems and neither does Air Canada (or is it Southwest Airlines at this point?) Talent wise they are better though.

The Celtics:

Ahh the Celtics, you bunch of unlikable douche bags. Okay, Ray Allen is likable but that’s about it. They, much like the Spurs, rely on their aging stars’ health. Kevin Garnett’s knee looks fine for now. I’ve seen him in pre-season action and he seems to be moving around pretty well. Ray Allen is always in perfect shape and hasn’t had a serious injury since that ankle thing a couple years ago. Paul Pierce hasn’t missed action for a while now and Brian Scalabrine is still the whitest guy in the league. Okay that last bit had nothing to do with anything. All of the guys I just mentioned are past their prime and they have a lot of mileage on. Since they also have Rasheed Wallace who has similar issues, they’re like a used car dealership-except they’re all quality cars… I think I’ve taken the analogy too far.

I’m just putting this out there but I wouldn’t put money on Kevin Garnett’s knee. I just wouldn’t. I have no reason to believe that it’s not fine. But I have no reason to believe that it’s going to be okay for another 100 game season either. No Garnett, no title and that’s that. Rasheed Wallace is a good guy coming of the bench, he still has something left in the tank and he has some valuable experience but he doesn’t put them over the top. The only thing standing between the Celtics and another title is a slight slip or a misjudged landing from Mr. Garnett and they won’t win another title for a long time.


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Kobe: Team Killer

For anybody that saw the last game between the Lakers and the Nuggets one thing stood above anything else (besides the Lakers giving up home court), Kobe throwing his arms up in the air and frowning at his teammates at any given chance. If anything went wrong, it looked like it wasn’t his fault but somebody else’s. When you’re the best player on your team it’s all about you and how you react to situations. Your teammates rely on you for that.

Kobe is a bad teammate. When Sasha Vujajic blows a defensive assignment in the conference finals he scowls and acts like a child who’s been denied candy. If it happens in a regular season game against Memphis he’s like the big brother Vujajic never had. That’s not how a superstar player is supposed to act. It’s okay to yell at guys and it’s okay to try and light a fire under their butts but it doesn’t happen when you essentially quit on your team. Nobody wins a championship like that and it’s why Kobe will never win a championship as the best player on any team.

For comparison let’s look at a guy like Kevin Garnett. He made Glen “Big Baby” Davis cry in a regular season game against the Portland Trailblazers because the second unit screwed up and let the Blazers back in the game. Garnett yelled at him until Big Baby started to cry. That’s a bit strong but it was resolved after the game and Big Baby came up huge for the Celtics, does anybody know why? Because he felt like he was part of the team even when they were blowing the Trailblazersout in game number 52 on the season. That’s what leaders do, they make guys feel like they’re involved. They believe in their teammates even if they have no reason to and they let their teammates know (not just in TV interviews) that they believe in them. It matters.

Just for the record I’d like to say that I’m actually a Lakers fan. I’m just sick and tired of seeing everybody praise Kobe for stuff he doesn’t do and not criticize him when he kills his team. He did it in game 7 against the Suns a couple years back, he did in the blowout against the Celtics in game 6 last year and he’s doing it right now.

Lebron James would never do this to his teammates, because he loves those guys. If Kobe is Black Mamba then Lebron is King Cobra. Lets look at the reproductive habits of these two animals.

The black mamba leaves its eggs in decaying vegetation that gives them heat. The king cobra is a very dedicated parent. Before she is ready to lay her eggs, she uses the coils of her long body to gather a big mound of leaf litter. The King Cobra stays with its eggs and guards the mound tenaciously, rearing up into a threat display if any large animal gets too close.

It works like a charm.

Accents, Writing and the NBA.

A lot of criticism was leveled at Tom Cruise for his performance in Valkyrie. He plays a German soldier who decides he should kill Hitler. The critics found cause for criticism because he doesn’t speak with a German accent. My problem with that criticism is that no one speaks with a German accent in the movie. Most of them speak with British accents because, wait for it, they’re British actors. I always find it weird anyway when actors put accents on their English when they’re supposed to be speaking in their native language. It isn’t needed. If a Russian, for example, is supposed to be speaking in English to an American he should probably have a Russian accent but why should he have a Russian accent if he’s supposed to be speaking in Russian anyway? If the filmmakers decide to do that then it just sounds like two Russians speaking to each other in English. Why would they do that?

On to a completely different topic, writing. I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a writer. It’s weird because I don’t think of myself as a writer but still I’m writing this aren’t I? For me writing isn’t about the status of being a writer. It’s that once you become a writer you can get to a lot of people. It’s tough to call yourself a writer if you’re only writing for 14 of your friends. With such a fickle thing as writing, I think it doesn’t matter if you have written something, how much you get paid or how good it is. I think it matters who sees it and who reads it.

I’m going to comment on the NBA playoffs a little bit. First off, the Nuggets are way better than I though. I still have an issue with how crazy they are and I don’t know how they’ll react once they lose their footing a little bit. They’ve never been down in a series and come back; they haven’t proven themselves as a team that can deal with adversity. I’ll be curious to see what happens if they go down 2-0 in these first games and if Chauncey Billups can get them together.
I predicted that the Hornets would go all the way to the conference finals and instead they decided to suck. All I can say in my defense is that I didn’t realize how badly injured they were. But it wasn’t just they were injured, they don’t seem to like each other or trust their coach.
Some of my picks were made simply to try and jinx teams, I hate San Antonio so I picked them to beat Dallas, I hate the Celtics so I picked them to go to beat Orlando. My Finals pick still stands and I still think Cleveland will win it all. Lebron is simply too good.